by Connie Erbert

Recently I’ve received numerous phone calls from grandparents seeking information about autism. All of them were anticipating upcoming visits from grandchildren who would be visiting over spring break. It was heartening to receive these calls because each one of these grandparents was taking steps to prepare for their grandchildren so that the visits would be mutually enjoyable. It is this kind of preparation that grandparents, as well as other very special grownups in a child’s life, can engage in to increase opportunities for the individual with an autism spectrum disorder. A large portion of my job is increasing awareness about autism spectrum disorders.

My primary goal is two-fold: awareness and education. Increasing awareness means that we become better advocates for the individual with autism. This way we can prepare and facilitate better interactions, cultivate stronger relationships, open doors in our community for jobs as well as recreation leisure activities, and ultimately offer a wider variety of opportunities for the individual to have sustained success and a more fulfilling life.

Many grandparents and other very special grownups have witnessed situations in which a grandchild’s behavior has fallen short of expectations. In most cases, grandparents become accustomed to dealing with these situations. When, however, that grandchild or loved one has an autism spectrum disorder, it becomes more difficult to sort through what the function of the behavior might be, and even more difficult to discern what to do about it.

This past week, I was reading through some of the journals I receive monthly or quarterly from various sources. One that I’m particularly fond of is called, The Autism Spectrum Quarterly. After having grandparents calling this past month I stumbled upon an article in the Fall 2008 issue that provides a nice overview of Effective Grandparent to Grandchild Communication, by Teresa Bolick, PhD. This as well as other periodicals can be very valuable resources for family members and very special grownups in the life of a child with an autism spectrum disorder.

Effective Grandparent to Grandchild Communication

• “Listen” with your ears and your eyes. Your grandchild may not initiate and respond in a typical way. Observe carefully to discover what your grandchild’s behavior may be communicating.
• Try not to feel hurt if your grandchild shrinks away from hugs and kisses. This behavior is likely to be the result of sensory defensiveness, and not a rejection of you. Handshakes, “shoulder hugs,” “high fives,” and other gestures may be less overwhelming.
• Do, however, accept physical contact initiated by your young grandchild. He or she is saying, “I want to be near you but I can only handle it on my terms.”
• For older children, adolescents, and adults, cultivate a social (and developmentally) appropriate way of connecting. It’s important to gently redirect any physical contact that could lead to social penalties in the real world (such as kisses on the lips or full body hugs).
• Always provide ample time for your grandchild to process what you’ve said and to formulate his or her response. Allow him or her to respond to one comment, question, or direction before making another. Some people with ASD need ten to fifteen seconds (or more) to process and respond, a delay that is often excruciatingly long to “typical” communicators.
• Don’t be surprised if your grandchild misunderstands slang, jokes, and other figurative language. He or she is just taking things literally.
• Try not to be offended if your grandchild says something inappropriate or (seemingly) rude. He or she is just “thinking out loud” without the ability to understand the other person’s perspective.
• Don’t offer a choice unless you really mean it. Suggestions like, “would you like to get ready for bed now?” sounds too much like a choice, and to the literal child with ASD the question is likely to be met with a resounding, “no”!
• Avoid questions as much as possible. Questions are conversation stoppers for children in general, but even more so with children with ASD. Use comments and gestures instead.
• Use visual supports such as gestures, sign language, pictures, or lists as needed. For example, if your grandchild has a visual schedule to organize the day, set up a similar schedule to explain what is going to happen while you are together. Point to the items on the schedule while briefly listing the events (e.g., “first breakfast, then reading, then park”).
• Use non verbal means to sustain interaction. For a child who is just learning to communicate, you can increase the conversational turns by interrupting a routine and waiting for the child to indicate a desire for more. An example is stopping the swing in mid-swing, saying “Stop,” and waiting for the child to communicate “Go” by eye gaze, gesture, sign language, picture, or words.
• Use non verbal means to reinforce desirable behavior. Gestures such as “thumbs up” or “A-OK” are great ways to reinforce behavior without creating language overload.
• If your grandchild uses an alternative communication system, ask his or her parents for instructions. Remember that the system is your grandchild’s “voice”.
• Follow the lead of your grandchild’s parents and intervention team in determining expectations for communication. And, pick your battles! In general, it’s a good idea to overlook small things and use distractions and other low key techniques to change behavior.

I invite you to check out other resources that are available similar to The Autism Spectrum Quarterly such as The Autism Asperger Digest Magazine and other reading material available online at the Autism Asperger Publishing Company.

I commend grandparents and other very special adults who take an active role in the lives of grandchildren and individuals with autism spectrum disorders. You play an important role in the lives of these amazing individuals!